On Monday, July 26 at 10 am, Timothy Craig Hartman was arrested, tried, convicted and sentenced by a daddy judge and jury to 30 minutes on “the chair” with no toys for vandalizing the living room couch and himself with Daddy’s permanent magic markers unbeknownst to Daddy. According to my sources, the two female suspects responsible for corrupting my child in every possible way regarding making a mess and misbehaving are still at large. Attached are the most recent photos authorities have of these two scoundrels.

On a personal note, I would like to apologize to my parents for anything I vandalized as a child and for any misbehavior in general. Karma stinks.